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can't sleep

Jun. 4th, 2010 | 01:04 am

I just don't want it to ever end. I think of life as being this long moment made up of these individual segments. I walk down the street. I see a rose blossom in the sun. I smell the scent. I love this rose, this scent, the sun, the street. I ride in a taxi at night. The heat of the day is suddenly blanketed in a dense fog from the sea. I smell the ocean, the creatures dwelling within it, the coolness. I love this fog, the ocean, and all the creatures. I walk past a doorway. A dog wanders out of the doorway and on to the street. A man picks up the dog in his arms. The dog's ears and paws hang over the man's wrists, helpless, floppy, velvety. I love this dog, this man, this doorway.

I live in each passing moment. I love fleetingly because I love everything, so deeply, I can't let go. These moments, the moments that make up my life. No one will ever get to see them. They are mine, contained within me, and without me, lost forever. No one will know how I taste strawberries, how they prickle and crackle on my tongue like sour glass. No one will ever know what I think is the best color blue in the sky. No one will know which freckle is my favorite freckle on my body or why it is because I'll never be able to explain it in just the right way. No one will know how much I admire a certain texture of lips, the correct pressure that should be applied to a hug, the amount of cheese a grilled cheese should have. No one will know the clock game I made up as an insomniac kid or how many hours I played it while awake when everyone else was asleep. The way the sheets feel against my legs after a long day at the beach. All gone, gone forever.

How will I let go of this life, this thing I love so much? How will I ever find the strength to let it go?

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(no subject)

May. 15th, 2010 | 08:29 am

whoever said menstrual synching was a myth, never witnessed it happen to every girl in my studio, my work and the girl i live with at home.

seriously, we all get our periods around the same day each month. can i just tell you how not fun it is to be around a bunch of women pmsing during finals AND at work?

yeah. not fun.

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bitchfest 2010, or things that make me so mad I want to never stop screaming: a list

May. 10th, 2010 | 06:02 am

things that suck about my life right now:
- stressing out about problems that have nothing to do with me
- being a waitress/slave/wench (I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE IT'S KILLING ME)
- not knowing what I want to do with my life
- knowing only what I DON'T want
- my general lack of security

things that suck about getting older:
- society making me feel like I'm worthless as a result of being over 30 with no babies
- meeting men* over 30 who only date 20 year olds (seriously?? grow up dudes)
- watching my younger friends make the same mistakes I made and being helpless to stop them
- the inability to recover from drinking
- the inability to recover from heartache
- the return of my insomnia

things that suck about the world:
- oil spills. don't we have electric cars now? why do we still need this crap???
- the fact that we are STILL at war. what. the. f.
- women are still raped, tortured, and oppressed, even in our own country
- hysterical religious** assholes who are still living in the dark ages and think it's ok to kill people for god
- hysterical religious assholes who try to govern countries (including ours)
- hysterical religious assholes who rape children and get away with it

Note: I am sorry that I posted this. I do not wish to spread negativity out into the world. It is for purely selfish reasons that I could not stop myself. I am so full of rage and stress right now and I needed to get it all out there and send it into the ether, which now doubles as the internet apparently. Feel free to comment and tell me to shut the F up.

* Which isn't to say that ALL men over 30 do this, I'm talking about the ones who date 10-20 years out of their age group because they are unable to mature emotionally past 22, or in some cases, 16, or in some severe cases, 12.

** Which isn't to say that all people who are religious are hysterical assholes, just the ones who use it to do nasty, evil things and feel justified.

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May. 7th, 2010 | 11:50 am

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: Nothing drives me more crazy right now than when people ask me what I'm planning on doing post school. I know it's a very normal question to ask someone who is graduating but it's a sensitive subject for me for some reason. It feels like asking a girl that's packed on a few pounds how she plans on losing the weight or asking a recent divorcee who they plan on marrying next. It makes me uncomfortable and frankly it kinda hurts inside, like someone poking at a bruise.

I feel like I've had the same conversation over and over again. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Yes it's freaking me the fuck out. Yes I've already considered all my options. Yes I know I need a plan. My original plan of starting my own art consultant business has been temporarily put on hold due to the fact that no one can afford art right now, let alone a house to hang it in. I need to take some time to regroup and figure out a way that this can still work in this type of economy. I need to gain perspective and to focus on my goals. I need to adjust to not having the school environment and support. And for christ's sake, I need a summer where I can just chill for a bit. I've been sick all winter and it's because I've had too much on my plate. Too many sleepless nights, nightmares, anxiety and long days with no rest. I gotta chill and let the economy issues ride out while I'm at it.

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t.rex ballrooms of mars

Feb. 4th, 2010 | 12:37 am

You gonna look fine
Be primed for dancing
You're gonna trip and glide
All on the trembling plane
Your diamond hands
Will be stacked with roses
And wind and cars
And people of the past

I'll call you thing
Just when the moon sings
And place your face in stone
Upon the hill of stars
And gripped in the arms
Of the changeless madman
We'll dance our lives away
In the Ballrooms of Mars

You talk about day
I'm talking 'bout night time
When the monsters call out
The names of men
Bob Dylan knows
And I bet Alan Freed did
There are things in night
That are better not to behold

You dance
With your lizard leather boots on
And pull the strings
That change the faces of men
You diamond browed hag
You're a gutter-gaunt gangster
John Lennon knows your name
And I've seen his

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The National - Fake Empire

Feb. 1st, 2010 | 07:14 pm

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(no subject)

Jan. 26th, 2010 | 09:32 am

"I hope you are asleep.

And dreaming of fields filled with flowers and a pond sparkling with fish and the air is filled with the scent of sunlight even though it's night time and the crescent moon is making everything glow like it's made out of the stuff they use to make those stars that you stick on the ceiling.

And you are laying in the field, surrounded by the softest dry grasses that tickle your skin like kisses, and you look up and the clouds part and you see a shooting star and you make a wish that only you know. A secret wish just for you."

"And then there is love, love, love."

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wow... this is awful

Jan. 15th, 2010 | 01:35 pm

"Think how you would feel if you lost everything? You were wandering around streets at night, they were all dark; you were tripping over bodies, living and dead, and you didn't have water to drink or food to eat. That's what we're facing now. That's what we've got to get through now." Bill Clinton on Haiti

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I hope I have more of these in 2010

Jan. 8th, 2010 | 01:33 am

Today I had a good day. Start to finish, not awesome, not bad, just plain old good.

I woke up not too late, not too early. I made an omelette from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I cleaned the downstairs bath. I listened to funny electro pop and found myself sitting on my bed bouncing up and down to La Roux and I felt this swell of happiness over a job well done. I talked to boys on Facebook chat. I posted photos of my omelette making. I did my dishes. I took a shower, got dressed and went to work. Had a painless ride to work on the train. Work was awesome. Ate delicious food. I trained someone. It got busy and I stayed on top of it. I kicked ass in general at work. No mistakes. I was even cleaning up after other people's mistakes. No complaints, all smiles. I was there until well past midnight. My boss told me I did a really good job. My heart swelled with pride. It felt better than the cash reward, which was still completely awesome and completely unexpected. I tipped the bus boy out a little extra. I caught the last bus to the last train. I sat across from a sprightly gentleman wearing an outfit comprised of the same colors as my scarf. We shared a smile. I played solitaire on my phone. I walked home alone, through the empty streets. I felt a little wary, a little weary, but I had warmth in my heart.

It's good to have one of these days every now and then. A day when you don't feel down on yourself for anything. A day when you don't worry so much about what's happening tomorrow. A day when it feels ok to give and not expect anything in return, and yet still find your heart and your pockets full. Just plain old good.

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Yearly wrap up 2009

Dec. 31st, 2009 | 12:18 pm

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I received honors in my major.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make one this year?
I started using proper grammar in my LJ and online world. I learned how to control my anxiety. I'm not sure if I will make any this year other than this one: I will graduate college this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! I have lots of new little friends now!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no, not this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
Sigh... this one I failed at. None.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A college degree and a good job.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
The day my sister left for Berkeley... :(

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting honors in painting and finding a job that I actually don't mind so much.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Having a healthy and sustainable relationship with a person that I am in love with.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My awesome winter boots!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My super hero family and friends!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Large corporations, politicians, crazed terrorists

14. Where did most of your money go?
Booze and painting supplies... maybe I really am an artist now!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or Sadder?
I feel like I'm happier inside, even if my life feels kind of empty at times. I feel happy within.

ii. Thinner or fatter?
I'm about the same give or take 5 pounds.

iii. Richer or poorer?
Oddly richer... but that's only because I'm not working at the GD anymore. In truth I am broke just like everyone else, just less broke than I was last year.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Oh... sleeping probably... and painting... but you can't have both!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking, worrying, pining after lost loves

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it with my family during the day and my friends that night. We all went to the Pill for MM's birthday and danced on the sparse dance floor and then partied it up at Sean + Jussi's after.

21. How did you spend New Year?
last year - I was at Jenn + Tony's 2001 A Space Odyssey Party with John
this year - I have to work at the restaurant in the South End, so I'll probably get my new year's kiss from one of the many gay boys I work with, then I might go to Erik Franklin's party but who knows, maybe I'll end up at a big gay orgy... I'll update this tomorrow.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
hmmm... I'm not sure if love entered the picture this year, but I had some nice encounters and experiences getting to know some people. I didn't always have to sleep alone.

23. How many one-night stands?
no one night stands

24. What was your favourite TV program?
True Blood, Mad Men, The Mighty Boosh (all on iTunes)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

26. What was the best book you read?
The entire Sookie Stackhouse Novels

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
M. Ward, Bon Iver

28. What did you want and get?
a steady job, a few good paintings under my belt, a warm and quiet bedroom

29. What did you want and not get?
a lasting relationship... which I didn't know I wanted until late into the year.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Watching the Big Lebowski with Brent and Jenn on Brent's birthday in the bought out Brattle

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31... I think I worked on my actual birthday. I collected people at Ginger Park and then we went to Noir I think... I can't remember. Wasn't quite as awesome as seeing Echo and the Bunnymen in NYC and throwing a big 30th birthday bash with Moo the year before.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time for rest, more time for painting

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Art school girl grows up to be a quirky frock wearing natural hair sporting 30 something fashionista

34. What kept you sane?
The Mighty Boosh, my friends, my quiet room, my studio

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lady Gaga

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact that my coworkers, who love each other more than most married couples and have been together for 10 years, still cannot get married and have it be recognized in the federal court of our country.

37. Who did you miss?
My sister... :(

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Amanda, Jenn and Brent, My coworkers at GP, Nick

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
My cousin would get this: Whatever you do, wherever you go, just DON'T BE A DICK!!!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You were beyond comprehension tonight
But I understood
I understood if only I could
Hold time
Word have failed me tonight
But you knew what I meant
You knew what I meant
Yeah, you heard what I said
The whole time
And I wrote this song about it
Cause I didn't care about any worthless photograph
Yeah I wrote this song just to remember
The endless, endless summer in your laugh

Five personally significant events of 2009:
Freddie Mercury Theme Going away party!!!!!
The day Moo left and I held it together until she drove off and I collapsed on my bed... but I was ok
The day I woke up and realized I had my shit together
The night when I was dancing with my friends and I felt THE MAGIC
The day I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in so, so long...

Five things I want to do in 2010:
graduate college
get a real job
travel travel travel!!!
maybe... just maybe... have a boyfriend... haven't decided if i REALLY want it
work on the art bar

Five people I'd like to know better in 2010:
the five people that can help me make my dream come true.

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