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Jan. 13th, 2011 | 08:56 am

So I screamed and yelled and cried to the universe and it answered.

I am taking a job with Almighty, a small web development firm. I'm going to be their "office concierge." Which basically means that I am going to be the "Joan Holloway" (Mad Men red head) of the office. It's not my ideal perfect awesome job, but it's so much better than what I'm doing now. A real job with things like health, dental and vision benefits, sick days and paid vacation. A real adult style job.

I'll be working 9-5 again, which means early mornings, but at least I'll have weekends free! The office is in Allston, on Western Ave, so my commute is actually really short, just the redline one stop and the 86 bus for about 15 minutes. It'll be even shorter when it gets warm enough to take my bike! And it is in close proximity to my Allston friends so I'll get to see more of them.

Yay! http://www.bealmighty.com/

Also, none of this could have been possible without the help of Emma, Anne and Mike Ruby... it just proves you gots ta have fwiends!!!

Oh and if anyone has any business casual type clothes that they aren't using that would fit me... lemme know! I need a whole new wardrobe.

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(no subject)

Jan. 6th, 2011 | 11:08 am

It's amazing what a bit of rest can do for your soul. Sorry if I freaked anyone out... I cried out to the universe and it answered. And after a nice chat with my man, I'm ok now. Thanks for the support guys... I love you and I love that LJ is around when you feel like no one else is.

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Jan. 2nd, 2011 | 10:16 pm

I am so. utterly. unhappy.

I'm walking around with this bitterness in my heart that I can't shake. I HATE MY JOB. I HATE THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. I'm so exhausted on my days off that I can't even think, let alone put any energy into my artistic efforts or trying to find a better job. I work my ass off and I can never get ahead. I'm exhausted all the time and yet I can't sleep. I've come home 3 nights this week and collapsed on my bed in tears. My friends are too busy/too far away/too fed up with me to care enough to notice how bad off I am. I have little to no support and I have no idea how to ask for help anymore because I feel too pitiful, too much of a burden, too much like I've used up all my support cards over the years.

My relationship isn't giving me what I need. He has no idea how to support me or be there for me or even give me the required attention that a person should give when they love someone. He's clueless. Half the time he has no idea that I'm even upset. I know most of this is my fault because I'm too paralyzed. I can't express how I feel right now to anyone... not even the person who I'm supposed to be in love with. I feel completely cut off from him emotionally. I need him so badly and yet he doesn't seem to notice. I don't want to have to voice it. I don't want to have to say "I need you to be there for me."

I also have this thing that I can't even really talk about to anyone because it's too personal. This is my fault too but I can't let go of how hurt I've been from this and I have constant reminders that it's there and that it's not going away. The more time goes by the more everyone seems to be ok with things except for me. I feel completely brushed aside by this, like my feelings don't matter and that no one seems to care how deeply this all affects me. It's so fucked up. I don't understand why or how certain people can't see how much it hurts me... or maybe they can and they just don't care or it's just easier to just pretend like it's not even there at all. But it hurts me almost every day and yet there's nothing I can do about it.

I know a lot of this is coming out because I'm completely exhausted from my work week this week. I didn't get a Christmas vacation like everyone else. I didn't get any 4 day weekends. I just busted my ass for the last two month. No breaks. No extended time off. Nothing but long hours on 4 hours of sleep. All this and I have barely enough to support myself.

I feel like I'm walking all over myself. I feel like there is a part of my brain that is begging me to stop, look around, and listen and realize that I can't keep going on like this. Then there is another part that just pushes and pushes and pushes and plows through life because its the only way we are going to survive.

I feel completely brushed aside by life and by those I love right now. I can't keep doing this. I worked all day today, I'm completely exhausted, and yet all I seem to want to do is pace the floor maniacally, in tears. I'm going to break down again if something doesn't give soon. I'll be in the hospital again, and not able to leave the house again, and all fucked up on meds again if I don't get some kind of break.

I'm going to spend tomorrow sleeping for as long as I can and catching up on chores... trying to take care of myself. Then it's back to fucking work... again...

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it's time...

Nov. 9th, 2010 | 02:13 pm


1) Clean and organize home studio to workable capacity by the end of this week.

2) Create 3 paintings by the end of November.

3) Create 10 paintings by the end of 2010.

4) Write one blog post a week for Snap Out of It for the next year.

5) Get a published column in a newspaper/magazine/online forum within the next year.

6) Start a web comic within the next year.

7) Create 30 paintings by May 2011.

8) Get a full time job/jobs working in the arts (not reliant on the restaurant industry in anyway) by 2012.

9) Have a solo exhibit of works by fall 2011.

10) Create 50 paintings by this time next year.

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(no subject)

Oct. 24th, 2010 | 01:33 am


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job me, job me now

Oct. 8th, 2010 | 09:41 am

So I've been applying for office jobs. It's about time I get out of the restaurant industry. I found a really great one at Design Communications LTD. It's for a "dynamic receptionist" position. I feel like I will be surrounded by crazy creative people all the time. They actually said "friendly environment" in the posting and I almost started to cry, which made me realize exactly how shitty an environment I've been exposed to every day.

I walked by my boss yesterday and said hi to him with my cheerful smile and a little wave and he completely ignored me. And for every friendly person there is in the industry, there's another that is just rude and cruel for no reason. And if it's not the people you work with, it's the people you are waiting on. I'm so sick of being treated like a servant or like I'm sub-human just because I work in this industry. It's maddening.

So... I'm getting out. If anyone knows of any office style job in a design/architecture/creative firm, or gallery, or something that leans towards the creative, edgy side of office, please let me know. I've got 5+ years of office work under my belt. Plus I'm about as friendly as a puppy on a sunny day in the park, only with a little more focus.

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(no subject)

Oct. 7th, 2010 | 09:28 am

"He made me feel like how a song would feel, if it could feel, when someone sang along to it. Like how a painting would feel if it found people staring at it in wonder, eyes wide, in a desperate attempt to understand, to possess its secrets."

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(no subject)

Sep. 10th, 2010 | 02:21 am

I failed.

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(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2010 | 01:34 pm

I'm in love. And it's scary and crazy but I'm finally there. YAY!

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Jul. 10th, 2010 | 11:48 am

There's something really wrong.

I know there's a lot of emotion going on inside me right now but I can't access any of it. I don't know if it's just too painful or what but I'm feeling really cut off from my true self right now. San Francisco was a huge disaster emotionally for me. I was a wreck the entire time. I drank myself stupid to deal with it instead of just letting myself feel what I was feeling. I know that was the wrong thing to do but the things I was feeling completely caught me off guard. I thought I was better than that. And I feel awful about it. Just awful.

Mostly I'm just embarrassed by my emotions. I'm embarrassed that I still feel the way I do. I don't want to talk about it to anyone, not even myself. But I feel like maybe I HAVE TO to get it out... but I can't make myself. I feel like I'm on the verge of a huge wave of tears and anger and sadness and then it just... fades off. I can't get there. I feel robotic. I'm concerned that I won't make it back. That I'll just shut down all these parts of myself that are too painful to deal with and become an unfeeling person.

I've developed these coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety, which sort of involve tricking myself into not feeling anxious by manipulating my own mind into not focusing on the anxiety. Basically ignoring the anxiety until it goes away. It works REALLY well for anxiety and it's what I've been taught to do by my therapists. It really does work, but I'm concerned that I've taken it too far. I'm concerned that I've gotten so good at telling my anxious brain to shut the fuck up, that I no longer hear the rest of my brain. The parts of my brain that are in pain and feel sad and need attention. Even the parts of my brain that feel happiness and love.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who doesn't know how to feel anymore. If anything I've always been overly emotive. This is why it's so shocking to me to feel like I can't access it.

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