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Jul. 10th, 2010 | 11:48 am

There's something really wrong.

I know there's a lot of emotion going on inside me right now but I can't access any of it. I don't know if it's just too painful or what but I'm feeling really cut off from my true self right now. San Francisco was a huge disaster emotionally for me. I was a wreck the entire time. I drank myself stupid to deal with it instead of just letting myself feel what I was feeling. I know that was the wrong thing to do but the things I was feeling completely caught me off guard. I thought I was better than that. And I feel awful about it. Just awful.

Mostly I'm just embarrassed by my emotions. I'm embarrassed that I still feel the way I do. I don't want to talk about it to anyone, not even myself. But I feel like maybe I HAVE TO to get it out... but I can't make myself. I feel like I'm on the verge of a huge wave of tears and anger and sadness and then it just... fades off. I can't get there. I feel robotic. I'm concerned that I won't make it back. That I'll just shut down all these parts of myself that are too painful to deal with and become an unfeeling person.

I've developed these coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety, which sort of involve tricking myself into not feeling anxious by manipulating my own mind into not focusing on the anxiety. Basically ignoring the anxiety until it goes away. It works REALLY well for anxiety and it's what I've been taught to do by my therapists. It really does work, but I'm concerned that I've taken it too far. I'm concerned that I've gotten so good at telling my anxious brain to shut the fuck up, that I no longer hear the rest of my brain. The parts of my brain that are in pain and feel sad and need attention. Even the parts of my brain that feel happiness and love.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who doesn't know how to feel anymore. If anything I've always been overly emotive. This is why it's so shocking to me to feel like I can't access it.

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