magneticwoman

Yesterday was fun.

I took the train to Copley with Jussi and we met her friend Heath and his boyfriend for lunch. We went to Wagamama in the Pru. Then I jotted over to work and was greeted with a 50 person cover count to split between 6 servers. Um, in non-restaurant speak, that means it was really slow at work, less than ten covers in a night per server means NO MONIES for anyone. I decided to take one for the team and leave. I walked back up to the Pru and met Jussi and we took a nice walk to Kenmore sq. Then we hopped on the 57 and I went home to take a disco nap. Despite the fact that there was a fiesta going on behind my house (the latino neighbors have a fiesta every Saturday in the summer, complete with fiesta music and screaming children) I was able to sleep after closing my window and blasting my fan for white noise.

I woke up around 9, put on a cute outfit that included my purple suede Prince heels, and walked down to Sean and Jussi's. A big gang of us decided to do some frontloading before Videodrome. We were just about to leave when the typhoon hit. Pouring sideways rain from out of nowhere. We waited it out for as long as we could but eventually we gave up and took Emma's car down to the Common Ground. We got pretty wet, and I probably ruined my purple suede Prince heels, but none of that mattered once we got inside.

I danced for about an hour straight, and then I danced some more. I got so sweaty and gross but I didn't care. I was having so much fun dancing that I forgot to even bother to drink. Then Craig put on his AMAZING Michael Jackson mix, which he synched up with a crazy video montage of epic proportions. Even though we had all been dancing for at least 30 minutes straight, not one of us could stop dancing once the MJ mix came on. It was as close to a religious experience as I've had in years.

Today, my legs hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts, and I don't even care. For one solid hour I felt every bad thing in the world dissolve away from me and all I could feel was goodness. That's what music is for. That's what friends are for. That's what dancing to music with your friends is for.

Sent my roommate/landlord an email letting him know I'm leaving the house. It's official. I'm moving to Davis. I realized I've lived here for over two years now. I'm ready for a change, not to mention I don't think I can do another summer with these fucking birds or another winter with a 50 degree room.

I'm taking over a room at my sister's house outside of Davis sq. It's pretty great. I'll be living with Ad Frank and a couple that he knows very well and who seem awesome. The dude works for Newbury Comics and the chic works for the Swedenbourgh church! I'll have my own studio space to paint in at home, a huge kitchen to cook in, and a nice warm room that's sunshiny in the day and dark and quiet at night. I'm going to paint it ice blue and put bright red accents in it.

Now I just need to figure out how I'm gonna move all this crap I've accumulated over the last two years. Maybe I'll have a yard sale!!!

i just submitted work to a group show at La Montagne! my first submission ever... woah...

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

I've been spending the last few days (and sleepless nights) thinking about expectations. There are many different kinds of expectations. There are the expectations you have for others and the expectations you have for yourself. Then there are the expectations that other people have for you. Expectations are tricky. We have these deeply creative and sensitive minds that conjure up all of these ideas and hopes, and sometimes we don't do the best job of sharing those ideas and hopes with the people around us. Sometimes we even have trouble admitting them to ourselves.

I've been let down a lot lately by a few of my closest friends. My first instinct was to blame them. Since I was the one that was let down, obviously they must have done something to mess things up. But when I started to think of why exactly I was so upset, I realized that I got upset that "the plan" didn't work out. But then I realized that "the plan" I had wasn't THE plan, it was MY plan. I expected things to go a certain way, and then they didn't, but I never took the time to share exactly what I was expecting.

I have learned that though I am talented at starting up conversations with people I barely know, I am TERRIBLE at communicating with people that I care for. Not only am I bad at instigating communication, I actually go to great lengths to avoid confrontational discussions even when the other person involved gives me an opening. I skirt around topics I'm not comfortable with. I'll even lie and say things don't bother me even when they do, just so I can avoid having to discuss it. I've put myself through hell trying to cover things up, melt things down so that they don't ever get noticed... just so that I won't have to TALK about it. Because I'm so afraid of being rejected if I share my real hopes with someone.

I try so hard to be pleasing and loving and pleasant and in the end I just end up exhausted. I put aside really big things that trouble me so often that the other person never gets to know the real me. And then I get SOOOO confused when I find that the people that I care about the most and feel the most connected with, don't really understand me, don't really GET me. But how the fuck is anyone supposed to understand me when I never let anyone know who I really am, what I'm really like and what I really want.

I expect too much from people. Not only do I expect people to be there for me, support me, love me. But I expect them to truly GET me, without giving them any real honesty and openness on my part. So, I'm going to add this to my list of things that I need to work on. I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop hiding my expectations from other people. I'm going to attempt to expect less from other people, and expect more for myself. However, I'm going to stop beating myself up when I don't always meet my own expectations for myself.

If I'm the only one I can really count on in this life, I have to at least be honest with myself. To quote the late Michael Jackson: "I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror. I'm asking (her) to change (her) ways."

wow, really? REALLY???

i don't know how to be happy anymore. what happened to all my hope?

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben

I am so tired. I'm so tired in fact that even though I want to write, I can barely find the words. I don't even know what to talk about, or whether or not it makes any difference at all.

I could talk about the bad day I had, working so hard for not nearly enough money. How I got stiffed by a perfectly good table just because they couldn't add right. How every time I went to grab something we had run out of it, even down to the staples in the stapler. I could complain about communal living. How I got up this morning and one of my many roommates was in the shower for 20 minutes and it made me late, forcing me to take a cab, which showed up with a broken door, which let all the rain water in on me.

I could talk about how much the weather sucks. How sad it's making me that it's going to rain on gardening day. How bushy and frizzy my hair has become. How my sneakers are soggy.

I could talk about how I still need to go to the dentist and sit in that chair for hour after hour and send myself into even more debt, unless I want to be a toothless old lady. I could talk about how hard it is for me to make that appointment. How I keep putting it off, even though I know it's only making it worse. How frustrated I am with myself about it.

I could talk about how let down I was this week by a good friend, a friend who is too busy now to be a good friend to me. I could talk about how sad that makes me, how disappointed I feel, and how nothing seems to make it better, not even him showing up to surprise me.

I could talk about how I'm not going to San Francisco next weekend. How disappointed I am, but also how relieved I feel, not having to be there... in my past. How I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to go back. How much, even now, I still miss Aubrey. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about that again, at least not here, because even when I'm just writing it down, admitting it, it hurts too much, and it makes me feel too pathetic.

I could talk about how pathetic I feel. How alone I feel. How desperate I feel. I could talk about therapy and how I know now, after three weeks away, how much I do need it. How fucked up I really am. How I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to love anyone again.... when it's been so long since I've felt anything at all.

There are so many things that I could talk about... but I don't even want to. I don't have the energy to let it all out... and I don't have the strength to listen to advice. I just want to sleep, and hope that tomorrow I wake up and all of this shit doesn't feel so big. That I stop feeling so lost.

Yesterday was pretty great. I went to Marshfield with my sis. We checked out the seedlings and noticed that there were a few that never came up. So we decided to take matters into our own hands and bought some seedlings at the garden store. So now we have basil, squashes and cucumbers which will hopefully survive. But the peas and beans are thriving and so far we have all of the tomato plants alive and growing. Beets came up as well as radishes and chard.

Then we visited with Grandma, who is doing so well that she actually kicked us out of the house. I think she's ready for some alone time now that she can get around and cook for herself without any help. So we took off and collected some marsh hay with my Uncle Richard's truck. It always looks like we have soooo much hay and then when we spread it out over the garden we are always missing some. But most of the garden is mulched now, which is a better start to the summer than we had last year.

I had a really sad moment while Moo and I were spreading the hay. I realized that next summer (in fact even later THIS summer) she won't be here and I won't have a gardening partner, or for that matter, a sister nearby. And while I'm so happy for her that she's off on what I know will be an amazing adventure (having done it myself) I can't help but feel sad that once again we'll be on different coasts.

When we dropped the truck back off our Aunt and Uncle invited us in for wine and conversation, which was so awesome. I love those two. They are just the coolest people and their house is so comfortable and unique, with cats all over the place and funny little objects to look at. I decided I'm going to give them a painting or two, only because I think it would go well in their house.

Grandma clapped her hands with glee when she found out I got honors in painting. I can't even express how proud that made me feel. Better than any feeling, ever.

Yesterday, while walking to work, I decided I would like to be in love. This is a big step for me actually, since I have had very little interest in being in love over the past few years. Actually wanting it is kind of important. Of course I'm not going out actively seeking it, because that would be retarded. I'm just going to be myself and do whatever I want and if love finds me and I like it, then so be it. I figure the more myself that I can be, the more likely it is that I will find someone who will love me not only in spite of myself, but also because I'm me. That doesn't really make much sense does it? Well it makes sense to me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm to a point where I'm not scared anymore. I'm just trying to be open.

They have me working every night this week except tonight. I guess this is a good thing since I'm saving my pennies to go on vacation at the end of the month, but I'm guessing by Sunday I'm going to want to murder anyone who asks me for anything. I can see it now:

Guest: Can I have my sauce on the side?
Me: You'll eat your sauce right where it is and you'll LIKE IT!!!!

Guest: Can I have that drink light on the alcohol?
Me: If you don't want to get drunk, don't drink alcohol!!

Guest: Can I substitute green beans for asparagus? I'm "allergic" to asparagus...
Me: There is no such thing as an asparagus allergy. You just don't like it... FUCK YOU!!!

Guest: What is coriander?
Me: You are in the wrong restaurant.

Guest: Ooooooh what a cool ceiling? Is it a whale belly???
Me: *head, wall*

I did day one of my kick ass June plan yesterday. I did a 20 minute strip tease work out and a 20 minute cardio shred work out, both On Demand. Then I walked to work and had sushi for lunch/dinner. Now I'm eating fresh cherries and about to embark on a walk to the Watertown Mall, where I will purchase sunglasses.

I love my new hair:



and yes, the bangs are supposed to be crooked. Can't wait to be all blonde again!

Work is fine, a bit slow, but nothing to worry about. They are opening a patio next week. I'm working way more than I want to, but that's ok. There are opportunities to take time off. I've also convinced them to change the lame uniforms. So far I'm really digging my job. I love working in the South End too, even though people rarely visit.

Last night I was totally convinced I was getting a stomach flu, but apparently it was just a really severe migraine like headache. I came down with a headache at 7ish at work. By 10 I was seeing halos and feeling nauseated. One of the girls at work drove me home and I went directly to bed, where my head continued to throb like I was being stabbed through the temples, with waves of nausea and dizziness. Then the chills and sweats kicked in and I was pretty convinced I was doomed to spend all night barfing. I piled on the blankets, turned the fan on and watched 4 Dollhouse episodes in a row. By 2am my headache started to fade and suddenly I was feeling fine. WTF???

I'm not going to question it. Just gonna keep rolling and feel happy that I made it out without getting sick.

Well now... it seems I've slept until 1:30. I blame this CRAPTASTIC weather we've been having. Now I have an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be at work and most of that will be taken up by showering, getting dressed and eating. I hate that. But at least I have a fun party to go to later! Anyway hi everyone... how's your day going?

1) awww... happy 10th birthday LJ. i'm glad you have gotten less popular. it makes the real posts happen again.

2) sigh... i'm sitting in my room. it's very hot. i'm ok with this. bring it on, summer

3) i know it's summer because my neighbors put their birds outside again. these are the LOUDEST BIRDS IN THE WORLD. they basically sound like they are being amplified through giant marshall stacks, except they aren't. they are just very very loud jungle style birds. SQUAAAAAAWWWWK!!!!

4) i'm done with school. it feels awesome.

5) i finally have a friday off! i didn't even ask for it. so far i've walked around newbury with manda, to poor little rich girl and h+m, eaten sushi, had delicious mint iced tea, and found a dress and skirt that i like for summer time fun. tonight i'm going to dinner and then i'm gonna run around the south end and go to all the places i never go on fridays. i probably won't be out dancing anywhere but maybe, we'll see.

6) i'm working saturday and sunday but on monday i'm going to garden with my sis! sooooo excited!!